The Scariest Thing I've Ever Done

I would say that I've done my share of pretty frightening things in my life.

This includes
-learning how to paraglide (every time the instructor said, "are you ready?" I'd affirm that I was, but in my mind I'd say, "No way!")
-climbing on a mountain where the last quarter mile was basically cliff
-river rafting
-cliff jumping.
Heck, these are all the things I've done in the past month.

I've walked on fresh, hot coals (seriously)
-bent rebar with my neck
-literally been attacked by some guy I didn't know
-fought in District, Regionals, and Nationals in Karate...twice.

I've walked on high ropes
-jumped over waterfalls
-rappelled down cliffs
-allowed some stranger to adjust my neck in the JFK Airport in NYC.
-gotten hit by a car whilst riding my bike

I have put my trust in complete strangers
-gone over 115 mph (shh, just don't tell the cops)
-gotten in a car accident (or two....)
-driven across the United States...by myself
-performed in two solo recitals
-just done some just pretty stupid/scary things

I left for college by myself
-with no friends to come with me
-moved again, and again, and again...

I've had to re-invent myself since high school (in a sense at least)
I've had to find new friends
I've had to cope with losing friends and loves
I've dealt with my family falling apart
I've fallen in love and back out again

But the scariest thing I've done is probably what I'm currently going through right now. I really didn't intend for this to happen. At all. You would have thought that I might have learned from lesson from past experience, but I obviously haven't. The scariest thing I've even done is fallen in 'love' with someone that doesn't quite love me back. I say 'love' because maybe I'm not in love, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. Let me tell you: it is so so so scary. Maybe I should just be patient...right? I considered making this a private post, but no one reads my blog anyway, so I'm not too worried. And I haven't told him either. We'll just wait and see.

Broken: On Relationships

Although I have several topics that I plan on blogging about, I would just like to take a moment to address this issue. Dating is fun. Generally, it is not all that hard. Especially not for me. I don't say that because I think I'm 'so good' at getting dates. I just have an easier time befriending guys. Consequently, I get asked out on lots of dates. Certainly enough to keep me busy. I think this is mostly because not only am I comfortable around guys (more so than I am around girls), I have no concrete interests, so I'm interested in just about anything. That leaves a lot of room for diversity. And trust me, there is diversity. But as I said before, dating is pretty easy. There is almost no commitment there. You go on a date, get to know each other, and at the end, you go home and that's it. Relationships on the other hand are terrifying. How are you supposed to put all of your trust in someone? Especially someone that you might possibly love. Someone that could potentially cause you deep sorrow and pain. When you go on dates with people, how much do you tell them that involves their trust? Not much. But when you're in a relationship, how long can you make it without trust? Not long.

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to be in a relationship with someone. I want to have that feeling of absolute trust with someone that I love. But right now, I don't know if that is something I can do. I'm still a little broken from a past relationship. Sadly, that brokenness is affecting my ability to be in relationships now.

Today I talked with a guy that I had dated for a couple of months and then broken up with. Surprisingly, talking to him was very comfortable. Just like it was when we were dating. It made me question my decision in our breaking up. Before he left, we talked about why it was hard for him to be friends with me. He said that since we weren't really close friends while we were dating, that it was hard for him to feel close to me now. And that is completely fair for him to say because, truthfully, I didn't tell him a whole lot that was going on with me because I was afraid to trust him. I think this may be something I've always had a hard time with. Being in a relationship leads to broken hearts, painful memories, and hurt feelings. If you have a bad date, then you just don't go on another with that person, and the bad date is soon forgotten or no longer as bad as it was at that moment. I know that for me, it will be hard to be in another relationship, and despite all the bad things in could lead to, there are many wonderful things a relationship can provide. Among them is having someone that you can trust, someone you can love that loves you back. Someone that will just make you feel happy.

Broken things can be fixed....right?