Sunday, October 31, 2010

Muahahaha ho ho ho...

Okay, please don't hate me, but I'm super glad it's pretty much November because then that means I can start playing Christmas music without people throwing things at me (well at least not everyone).

But let me just say this. I love Christmas not for the gifts or the Santa spirit or even for the vast amounts of food (especially since that comes with Thanksgiving anyway). I love Christmas for the spirit it brings. I love family. So, so much. And that's what I think about when I think about Christmas. Hence the reason I love Christmas music so much.

Besides, you can't really listen to Christmas music after Christmas! So in order to get the most out of the season, I like to drag it out as long as I can.

And let me just for all those out there that think Thanksgiving gets gypped for Christmas or that it's absolutely insane that I listen to Christmas music so early, first let me just say, I don't really care. But also, really, it's all about the spirit of it. And there aren't really any Thanksgiving songs. So just shush and don't listen to Christmas music if you don't want to ;)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Keep Holding On

Or shouldn't I?

I've been reflecting on my live the past several days. Not the drama with boys, not the hardships with home, but with my friends, the nostalgia of my family, and the memories of New York. Even though I'm not graduating college within the next few months, I feel pressured to make a lot of big decisions in my life. And these decisions really could affect a lot. But I don't really feel like going into all that right now. Mostly because I don't know if I really want people reading about it.

Alas, I digress. But I've been thinking about how much my past has affected my present, and really, I miss a lot of the things from my past. I think mostly my best friends. I mean, it's not like they're gone forever and I can't talk to them, but I kind of missed the "best friend" opening in college and now I really don't feel like I have one. Probably because of my lack of ability to connect with other girls and guys have a tendency to stop talking to me after they either 1) find out I'm not interested in dating them or 2) find someone to actually date. Which is fair. It's not like I should expect time from them if they want to devote it to someone more invested in spending a foreseeable future with them. And besides, I do my fair share of ditching boys, not because I don't like them, but I know that I can't get too attached to them because I know they'll stop hanging out with me once they find someone else (which pretty much all of them have done). But once again, that leaves me without a best friend.

My question here, is should I even both trying to find a best friend anymore? I seem so terrible at it. Should I keep holding on to an idea that will always be just that--an idea? I don't know. Maybe someday it won't be just an idea.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Some Introspective introspection

This past week has definitely been one filled with emotional stresses (although not all were mine per say). Jordan left for Alabama on Tuesday, very very early. He drove all the way there (poor guy--it took him several days of just driving straight). Monday I had the opportunity to spend time with his family and had a very spiritual family home evening--something I didn't realize I needed until right then.

Jordan's grandmother died on Monday after going through a painful--both emotionally and physically--few weeks. But you know what was so impressive about this woman? She had such a strong spirit and even more, such a strong soul. Every time I went there, she was so delighted to see me. She was always so joyful and happy to be around her family. She was just a sweet, sweet lady.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were just kind of emotionally charged. I felt like I had so much homework, that I didn't even bother when I should have--instead I called Jordan. Haha, I got it all done just fine, but I probably should have been more on top of it. I can't really say that I regret calling and talking to Jordan though. :)

Thursday night, I got a call from Jordan. He told me about a decision he was trying to make. He was considering flying back for the funeral or staying for somethings he needed to get done for the Air Force. Eventually he decided to come, which was both good and bad. Good because it was so, so wonderful to see him. When he walked into the church, we embraced and I didn't want to let go. Of course I eventually did because, well, I had to.

I got to spend the evening with Jordan and his family. The next morning I ended up being able to take him to the airport (at 4:30am no less!), but really I was just grateful to have been able to see him for that little bit. Although it was harder to say goodbye the second time because that time I was actually letting him go, whereas the other time I didn't have to be there the minute he drove off.

Yesterday and today, I had the opportunity to watch the 180th semi-annual General Conference, and honestly, it was so good. I loved the chance to hear from our church's general authorities and most especially the Prophet, Thomas S. Monson. Today, I got to go to Jordan's family's house (without Jordan) for their tradition of Egg's Benedict--it was so good, filling, and definitely unhealthy :) But it was so wonderful to feel accepted within their family.

So today, I talked to Jordan on the phone, and we were talking about the beginnings of our relationship. I was so sad to learn that I had absolutely nothing written about our first meeting or date. Maybe what I'm about to write will make up for it. Especially because I feel as though I should write my first impressions of him down. But this is what I can remember:

I'm pretty sure the first time I met it was a Monday, maybe a Wednesday. I think it had to have been around 10:30 or so because I had class at 11 and I was trying to get something done for that class. Although I suppose it possible it was a Tuesday. Anyway, I didn't really notice him at first--mostly because I was trying to focus on getting my homework done. I think it was reading for my British history class with Westover (he counted whether or not we did all the reading). I guess I noticed that someone was playing the piano because I made a comment out loud. Thinking about it now, I wouldn't have said something out loud if someone hadn't been sitting at the table, so I guess Jordan's argument that I was talking to him has some merit. Anyway, so I do remember him asking for my number. I remember feeling flattered, but I didn't know if anything would come from it.

Jump to the weekend (which was Nov. 7) -- our first date. I remember he picked me up from my dad's house. I also remember feeling really embarrassed--I didn't want him to come inside and see how cluttered it was. Anyway, we got in his car and tried to decide where to go. He gave me a few options and we eventually decided on Macaroni Grill--which (I found out there) that he actually worked there! Haha, but I didn't think it was class-less, I actually thought it was really smart. I always feel bad when guys spend a lot of money on dates. I remember talking and I remember just having a good time, but I can't remember much more than that sadly (This is the part where I'm really wishing I had kept a journal).

But he didn't call back--at least we were friends on Facebook right? Over the next few months I remember Facebook stalking him a handful of times--usually it was when something popped up on my news feed. I do remember thinking his profile picture at the time was particularly attractive, especially his smile/jawline.

Then sometime in February, I went to the social dance lab, and lo and behold, Jordan was there! I immediately recognized him (although I don't think I remembered his name...oops). We danced and I was smitten. For anyone that doesn't know, Jordan is the best dancer ever. He won't agree, and regardless of how well he knows the moves, he knows the right way to hold onto a girl. That's really what got me. And oh my goodness, and dancing the polka with him was the most fun I've ever had dancing. Then we started talking more and more. It began with dancing at the dance club on campus. I'm pretty sure he forgot the first time (that is, until I reminded him), but I didn't really care. I just wanted to dance with him again. So much so that I asked him to be my partner for dancesport. Unfortunately, we couldn't be partners because he was in the higher social dance class. It made me really sad, but it was okay.

Then I saw posters for a formal dance, and I really wanted to go. I really wanted to dress up and I really wanted to dance. I asked Jordan, but he couldn't go--he was going to be out of town that weekend. So I asked Todd (an amazing friend of mine who's an equally amazing dancer). We went and had so much fun, and I got to dress up. After the dance we went to a cupcake place and a little girl thought I was a princess! It was super cute.

Alas, I digress! The next weekend, there was another dance (March 26)! So I asked Jordan again. Unfortunately, he said he already had a date. At that point, I was all danced out, so I didn't bother trying to find another date. Halfway through the week (or so), Jordan's plans changed, and I got to go to this ball with him (it was a Charity Ball). It was so, so fun to spend time with him and dance. I can't remember a whole lot of what we did, but I do remember walking down in the lower level of the building and just talking. I also remember him taking an absolutely horrid picture (that he still has!) on his phone, but whatever, it's fine. ;) After the dance ended, we were both hungry, so we went this really yummy pizza place I recommended -- Pizzeria 712 (or something like that). I can't remember much more than good conversation and an interesting waiter (he was actually pretty cool). Oh yeah, and when Jordan came to pick me up, I was pretty surprised to see the car he was driving--it was super nice. Not the same car as the one on our first date (I later learned that nice car was his parents, haha. Totally fine with me, but still kinda funny). after that, we started seeing each other a lot more. April 10 was Dining Out for the Air Force. That was definitely the most interesting and enjoyable nights of my life. I had so much fun, and dancing with Jordan was just wonderful. Unfortunately, I only got one dance with him--he wasn't my date. Don't get me wrong, Adds was such a fun date, but it was that night that I realized that I really liked Jordan.

Okay I really think that's plenty for tonight. Especially since I stayed up an extra hour longer than I wanted to, to finish writing it.

Gosh, I miss you, Jordan.