Saturday, July 31, 2010


This story is an incredible one of forgiveness and hope. I would write more, but I really think it speaks for itself.

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light


When I was little, I used to suck my thumb all the time. And it wasn't just a temporary thing. I was addicted for quite a while. There wasn't anything that could stop me. Trust me. My parents tried everything. Nothing worked.

Until the orthodontist put a permanent retainer in my mouth. It was literally glued to my teeth. And when that didn't work, they put spikes on it. Seriously. Spikes. But, hey. It worked.

It's crazy to think that something that sounds so ridiculous worked. But the only thing that would keep me from continuing the addiction was to make it painful.

Maybe I should have learned from that...

Facebook Fast

That's right. I have successfully not been on Facebook for about 2 days now. And I plan on not going on until next Friday. I don't really have a good reason. I think it's mostly that I know what I'll do on there (aside from waste time), and that would just be worse than not going on at all. Besides, now my blog is getting updated a lot more often

I need to do things today. Dang. I have to finish a paper (which actually will require a lot of work, hence the reason I'm procrastinating it right now), finish my D&C hw, which shouldn't take too long, do 10 more pages of reading (I already did the first 20), and revise a different essay, oh and read something from Machiavelli, but that's not due until Tuesday, so I've got some time.

Let me just say this. Facebook sucks. I hate that I'm addicted to it. And it's really annoying to go on the internet and impulsively want to go to a website that just wastes my time and makes me feel like I have no real friends.

Anyway, I need to stop procrastinating because that list of stuff isn't going get itself done. Plus I have other chores I have to do today.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Antelope Island

I will admit that this post is long overdue, but for the 4th of July weekend, Jordan and I and my family went to Antelope Island. Jordan and I only stayed Saturday, but we hiked around and it was fun.

Despite it being called Antelope Island, there were actually a lot of Buffalo

We even saw one run into the middle of the road! It was pretty crazy actually. We hung out with Peter and Rachel for a bit and then went on our own hike.

As you can tell, we had to mentally prepare ourselves first. :)

But after that, we were ready (well, mostly)

The hike was pretty long, so we had to stop and rest/take pictures

...and dance

But after hours and hours of hiking and me complaining and Jordan not giving up, we finally made it to the top! And what a beautiful sight it was!

And then we skipped down the hill :) (and by hill, I mean mountain)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

These made me laugh

BYU Police Beat:

July 26: At 3:30 in the morning, a custodian said she saw a car parked in an unauthorized area, taking up multiple parking spots. She said a man inside the car ducked down when he saw her. When police arrived, they found two students kissing in the front seat. The police advised the students to take their activities to another location.

July 8: A student reported a sex offense occurring at Wyview Park. When an officer arrived, he found a male and female making out. Both parties were clothed. The officer suggested they find another location to continue such activities.

July 12: Students were reported yelling outside Wyview Park. An officer asked them to be quiet.

July 6: A student reported a group of students picking up a car and moving it to a different parking stall. Police spoke with the owner of the car, who moved it back. There was no damage to the car.

July 1: Three students were reported for suspicious behavior at Wyview Park. When police arrived, they found the students were having a picnic and left.

June 26: Students were reported to be trespassing in a
construction site near the Morris Center. The students claimed to be freshmen who were lost. The reporting officer redirected them.

June 24: A 5-year-old was reported missing at the Smith Fieldhouse. The child was reunited with his mom.

haha, anyway, I just love BYU

I Miss You Already

The song Mr. Lonely has been on repeat in my head all day. Weird, because I hardly know the sing, but that doesn't stop it from playing again and again.

I have to admit though, missing you is different than it was for other people. It's so weird. I don't quite understand it.

I think I would have been okay if I didn't go to your house. That was a mistake. Only because your mom knew. If I'd known she knew, I would have stayed home. Given you the guitar.

I know, I'm pathetic. Especially since it's only day 3 of 10 days. Gosh, that makes me even more depressed. Wait, did I say 10? I meant 12. Twelve days...that's kind of a long time to go without someone you're used to seeing every day.

Maybe it will get easier when I actually can't see you, when you'll be so far gone that maybe I won't even think about you. "Out of sight, out of mind," right?

Or was it "absence makes the heart grow fonder"??

Now even the things that used to distract me aren't working. I just get nothing done at all. Maybe nothing is too strong a word. I can't be doing nothing. And I wouldn't let myself even if I could.

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. It's depressing. I'm depressing

At least I get to talk to you every day. Even if it is only via letters/journal (that fortunately, I don't even have to publish). Not that I have to publish this. I realize it's solely a matter of choice

But sometimes I like to pretend people actually read my blog.

I wish I were a poet.

Monday, July 26, 2010

What are you really afraid of?

When people talk about trials, they always talk about trials they've gone through in the past. No one wants to get up at sacrament meeting and admit that they are going through something really hard right now. Nope. It's always after the fact.

Why do we do that? What are we really afraid of?

Admitting out loud that you're struggling means that you not only have to admit it to someone else, but to yourself as well. Why would you want to do something that would potentially cause you more pain?

But why can't we ask for help? Is it really all that bad to say to someone else, "you know what? I'm struggling right now, and I would appreciate your help"? Or "no, I'm not really okay" or whatever. There have been so many times where I have offered up a listening ear, only to not be taken seriously. I know of many others who are willing to listen who are never spoken to about such troubles.

I'm not saying that you should go tell everyone your problems, but you should tell someone, right? People care. Give them credit.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Apartment is Really Hot

Today I realized that I have a lot of homework. It's not due tomorrow or anything, but I know if I put it off (like I'm doing right now), I will certainly regret it later. The problem is, my apartment is really really hot. I even have the A/C on and it doesn't seem to be working.

So because my apartment is really, really hot, I just don't feel like doing anything productive. And I'm really tired. Wow, writing that made me feel even more tired. I think I just need to get some cold air and get back to work. Otherwise next week will suck.

Monday, July 19, 2010


There is music for every mood, right? When you're happy, sad, angry, joyful, fun, in love... But what do you play when you're heartbroken?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Frustration at it's worst

Really, really, REALLY want to go cry now. I hate this stupid paper.

And I hate that all of a sudden I'm spelling words wrong.
Including my own name.

Falling, falling, falling

in and out of love
and back in again

Like dreams
that float across our
wearied eyes

We watch them come
and go

And when we wake
they're gone

Only the memory remains

That's what falling out of love is
...kind of at least

Only closed doors can keep us
from moving forward
Except if our legs
are broken

Just like our hearts
are broken

The yellow daisy
refuses to bloom
because she's afraid
of being trampled upon

That's what love is like
when you try to fall back into it

Don't Care, Don't Care, Don't Care.....

Right now, I'd like to just vent. Here are my frustrations:

I just spent several hours yesterday writing a paper for a class. Fortunately, it was only a rough draft, but after having the teacher review it, he pretty much said that I had done it all wrong. So now I have to re-write the paper pretty much, change the way I wrote it, and have it all done by Wednesday.

That wouldn't be a problem except...

-I have another five page paper due on Thursday. At least I've started it, but who knows, maybe I've done that wrong too.

-I have to take a test before Friday

-I have a short paper to do that shouldn't take long to write, but I still have to do kind of a lot of research for it.

-I still have to do homework reading assignments for my classes

I hate hate hate hate school right now. This is so frustrating. I have no idea what I'm going to do, which makes me not want to do anything, which is just going to make everything worse.

I think I'm going to go cry right now.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Boyfriend = Best Friend?

K, so there's this thing about me.

I'm am really good at making new friends.

Especially with boys.

I'm not quite sure why I'm 1000 times more comfortable around boys than I am around girls, but the fact of the matter is, I just am. But my relationship with boys generally doesn't extend past that initial friendship. Sometimes I might become better friends with some guys than others, but a lot of times, even those friendships tend to fade away.

But that's beside the point.

Yeah, I am good at making friends....

BUT I'm super horrible at making best friends. Even with my boyfriend.

It's kind of frustrating. Here's why:
-I want to be best friends with him!

But here's why I'm probably not:
-Being best friends with someone requires your consistent attention (not necessarily constant though)
-You have to let them in
-Even scarier, you have to let them let you in.

This means that you actually have to tell them things. About yourself! About your life; about your likes and dislikes; about your love; about your most embarrassing momoents, your mistakes, heck even the times when you didn't make mistakes. You should totally be allowed to brag about yourself to your best friend. But that also means knowing them well enough to be comfortable doing that.

And it's hard to know what to do in a relationship where you don't feel that 'best friend' connection because I do think it's important. It's completely fair to want to marry someone that you can put your absolute trust in. Who wants to marry someone that makes fun of them or who makes them feel less than they really are?


Sometimes I wish life weren't so hard.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Just felt like that needed to be sung at the top of my lungs, but since I don't really feel like singing at the top of my lungs, I figured I'd just yell it here ;)

Referrin' to the title of the post for those of you that aren't pickin' up what I'm layin' down :D

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Scariest Thing I've Ever Done

I would say that I've done my share of pretty frightening things in my life.

This includes
-learning how to paraglide (every time the instructor said, "are you ready?" I'd affirm that I was, but in my mind I'd say, "No way!")
-climbing on a mountain where the last quarter mile was basically cliff
-river rafting
-cliff jumping.
Heck, these are all the things I've done in the past month.

I've walked on fresh, hot coals (seriously)
-bent rebar with my neck
-literally been attacked by some guy I didn't know
-fought in District, Regionals, and Nationals in Karate...twice.

I've walked on high ropes
-jumped over waterfalls
-rappelled down cliffs
-allowed some stranger to adjust my neck in the JFK Airport in NYC.
-gotten hit by a car whilst riding my bike

I have put my trust in complete strangers
-gone over 115 mph (shh, just don't tell the cops)
-gotten in a car accident (or two....)
-driven across the United myself
-performed in two solo recitals
-just done some just pretty stupid/scary things

I left for college by myself
-with no friends to come with me
-moved again, and again, and again...

I've had to re-invent myself since high school (in a sense at least)
I've had to find new friends
I've had to cope with losing friends and loves
I've dealt with my family falling apart
I've fallen in love and back out again

But the scariest thing I've done is probably what I'm currently going through right now. I really didn't intend for this to happen. At all. You would have thought that I might have learned from lesson from past experience, but I obviously haven't. The scariest thing I've even done is fallen in 'love' with someone that doesn't quite love me back. I say 'love' because maybe I'm not in love, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. Let me tell you: it is so so so scary. Maybe I should just be patient...right? I considered making this a private post, but no one reads my blog anyway, so I'm not too worried. And I haven't told him either. We'll just wait and see.