Monday, December 13, 2010

First Day of Finals Week = Awesome

I can't find my journal, but I've had such a super awesome day today, I want to make sure it's recorded. Especially since I've been neglecting my journal the past few days (or weeks...)

Anyway, at first I thought today might not be so good since it started off not so good. I woke up later than intended (though I did have the opportunity to wake up sooner, I just couldn't--I was too tired). And when I got to campus, I realized that I had forgotten something that I really needed, so I had to walk all the way back home to pick it up. When I got back to campus, I edited my personal history (it's for my computer design class) and waited until 1:30 when I was meeting up with a friend to study for my Religion test.

When 1:30 finally did roll around, we found an empty room (fortunately) and started studying. We somehow managed to get through all 70 (or so) pages of what we needed to study before he had to leave at 3:30. I stayed an extra half hour to ensure that I had everything down before going to take the test.

When I got to the testing center (aka the Wilk, which serves as a temporary testing center during finals), I found that the line was quite long and soon heard the wait was about a half hour. Well the problem with that was that I had an internship interview in an hour. Fortunately, some lady came up to me, asked what test I was taking, and when I told her, told me to go to the line on the left. Which cut my wait time down to 10 minutes. How that happened, I have no idea (though I think it had to do with the fact I wasn't taking a Book of Mormon class/it was higher than a 100 level class).

I took my time with the test, making sure to check and recheck my answers (which fortunately I did because on my second run-through, I noticed that I had completely put the wrong answer down unintentionally). When I went to turn the test in, I told myself to expect a 70. Not because I actually thought I did that poorly, but because I always think I do better than I've actually done, so with my sights set so low, I couldn't go wrong right? Well, I was totally off base. When I saw my student ID number on the screen my first words were, "holy crap." Then, "I've never seen such a high score on these test screens!!" Some guy behind me said congrats. I got a 97%. Can you believe that? I sure can't! But I'm incredibly grateful.

After my test, I went to my interview. I think it went well. And if I don't get the job. Well, that's okay, though I'd really like it.

Then I went to work on my design portfolio again/check my email. I email the professor, asking a few questions about the portfolio, and she emailed back answering my questions and asking one of her own. Was I still interested in TAing for her? Of course I said, Yes! Plus I was texting Jordan, so that made everything just a little bit better ;)

After finishing everything I needed to on the computer, I headed home. It had been a long(ish) day. 10:30-8? Yeah it was definitely time to not be on campus anymore. So Jordan and I talked for a little bit on the way home. A few minutes before I got there, he had to help Jake with something. When I walked in the door, I saw a little square vase with flowers, and thought, "oh those are so cute! I wonder who they're for." And nosey me checked the little envelope. You can imagine my shock when I read off my own name. I quickly opened the letter and read "Still missing you like crazy! And loving you like crazy! - Jordan" Goodness, it was cutest, sweetest thing ever!! Can I just say that he's the best ever?! Cause he is! I love that boy.

Nothing else could have made my day better. But alas it did get better. Though they're just small things, they really did add to my day. I had enough time to record the song Russ & I sang on Sunday, finish the final episode of the first season of Bones, fold and start a load of laundry, and clean (most) of my room. As well we clear the sink of empty dishes. Yeah, I'd say today was a really productive and overall awesome day.

Love you Jordan :)

Monday, November 15, 2010


These past few days have been very, um, how shall I say it. Interesting? Trying? A little bit hard, but not excessively because I've been on top of my homework. But alas, I really do not have an excuse for not keeping up on my grateful blog. :)

I'm grateful for the wonderful weather today, and I'm grateful that it's not too hot or too cold to wear my cute new sweater ;)

I'm so grateful for my mom. She's such a wonderful woman. I appreciate her financial support, but more than that, I'm glad that we've been able to become closer. She's such a strong woman and has gone through a lot and I just appreciate her.

I'm grateful that Jordan's parents invite me over to their house for dinner. It's nice going there and being around there family (even though Jordan isn't there *tear*).

And along with that, I'm grateful for Tay and his awesome guitar playing skills and his willingness to play for me!! :)

I'm grateful for being able to read. Seriously, I love love love it so much. It's so nice to have insights brought on by others. And reading the scriptures really brings inspiration in the times I need it most.

Loves! Hope you're all having a wonderful holiday season :D

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'm Grateful For...

Today, I'm grateful for cold weather. Not because I particularly like it, but because it brings back many, many memories. And, good or bad, I enjoy being able to remember.

I'm grateful for cell phones and text messaging. Without it, I'd be even more sad about Jordan leaving. I'm so grateful that he can text and talk to me even while he's at his deployment training camp. (We didn't think we'd be able to talk)

I'm grateful that I have wonderful group members for this biology project. Tim and Aaron, few people are as devoted to a group assignment as you two are, so my very many thanks go out to you.

I'm grateful for my backpack. Despite how often I complain of how heavy it is, it has held up pretty well for the last few years and served me quite nicely. This little green goodness helps show a little bit of my hidden personality.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Lellow Yellow

Although I think it's important to be grateful for our many blessings year round, I think that a good Facebook friend of mine has the right idea. To be grateful for the small things in life.

Yeah, I'm certainly grateful for so, so many big things. I'm grateful for my family and friends; the amazing opportunities I've been given in the life, including attending BYU and living so close to my family; I'm grateful for my lovely boy and all he does for me (even if he does drive me away from my homework, which admittedly, I do spend a lot of time working on); I'm grateful for the gospel and all the joys it brings into my life; I'm grateful for all the knowledge I've been given--both scholastic knowledge as well as religious knowledge; I'm grateful to know that I am indeed Christian (despite what others may say), that I do believe in the true and everlasting gospel of Christ, and that I have the opportunity every day to be inspired and uplifted by those around me (whether members of the Gospel or not).

But I'm digressing (sorry, there is just so much to be grateful for!). To make up for the past week of not thinking or writing down the things I'm grateful for, I shall start now and include one for each day I've missed plus today.

I'm grateful for my blog. I'm glad that I get to share my thoughts and feelings with the hope that maybe someone will read them. And if not, well that's okay too. At least I get to share them :)

I'm grateful for my Chicago Manual of Style. Now that may sound like a weird thing to be grateful for (okay, I'll admit, it is weird), but I love editing so much and learning about this manual and the inner and outer workings of it really makes me happy (yeah, yeah, I'm super weird, haha).

I'm grateful for black pens. I really don't like blue pens very much. ;)

I'm grateful for my planner. Without it, I would be totally lost. (Trust me, if you ever saw it, you'd know--it's pretty bad. I have so much written in it, I don't know how I ever got along without one)

I'm grateful for understanding teachers; teachers that truly care about you.

I'm grateful for inspiring quotes and good music. Seriously, there have been so many times where a simple uplifting song or quote can turn my whole day around.

I'm grateful for the feeling of missing someone because then you truly appreciate them when they're there.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Muahahaha ho ho ho...

Okay, please don't hate me, but I'm super glad it's pretty much November because then that means I can start playing Christmas music without people throwing things at me (well at least not everyone).

But let me just say this. I love Christmas not for the gifts or the Santa spirit or even for the vast amounts of food (especially since that comes with Thanksgiving anyway). I love Christmas for the spirit it brings. I love family. So, so much. And that's what I think about when I think about Christmas. Hence the reason I love Christmas music so much.

Besides, you can't really listen to Christmas music after Christmas! So in order to get the most out of the season, I like to drag it out as long as I can.

And let me just for all those out there that think Thanksgiving gets gypped for Christmas or that it's absolutely insane that I listen to Christmas music so early, first let me just say, I don't really care. But also, really, it's all about the spirit of it. And there aren't really any Thanksgiving songs. So just shush and don't listen to Christmas music if you don't want to ;)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Keep Holding On

Or shouldn't I?

I've been reflecting on my live the past several days. Not the drama with boys, not the hardships with home, but with my friends, the nostalgia of my family, and the memories of New York. Even though I'm not graduating college within the next few months, I feel pressured to make a lot of big decisions in my life. And these decisions really could affect a lot. But I don't really feel like going into all that right now. Mostly because I don't know if I really want people reading about it.

Alas, I digress. But I've been thinking about how much my past has affected my present, and really, I miss a lot of the things from my past. I think mostly my best friends. I mean, it's not like they're gone forever and I can't talk to them, but I kind of missed the "best friend" opening in college and now I really don't feel like I have one. Probably because of my lack of ability to connect with other girls and guys have a tendency to stop talking to me after they either 1) find out I'm not interested in dating them or 2) find someone to actually date. Which is fair. It's not like I should expect time from them if they want to devote it to someone more invested in spending a foreseeable future with them. And besides, I do my fair share of ditching boys, not because I don't like them, but I know that I can't get too attached to them because I know they'll stop hanging out with me once they find someone else (which pretty much all of them have done). But once again, that leaves me without a best friend.

My question here, is should I even both trying to find a best friend anymore? I seem so terrible at it. Should I keep holding on to an idea that will always be just that--an idea? I don't know. Maybe someday it won't be just an idea.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Some Introspective introspection

This past week has definitely been one filled with emotional stresses (although not all were mine per say). Jordan left for Alabama on Tuesday, very very early. He drove all the way there (poor guy--it took him several days of just driving straight). Monday I had the opportunity to spend time with his family and had a very spiritual family home evening--something I didn't realize I needed until right then.

Jordan's grandmother died on Monday after going through a painful--both emotionally and physically--few weeks. But you know what was so impressive about this woman? She had such a strong spirit and even more, such a strong soul. Every time I went there, she was so delighted to see me. She was always so joyful and happy to be around her family. She was just a sweet, sweet lady.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were just kind of emotionally charged. I felt like I had so much homework, that I didn't even bother when I should have--instead I called Jordan. Haha, I got it all done just fine, but I probably should have been more on top of it. I can't really say that I regret calling and talking to Jordan though. :)

Thursday night, I got a call from Jordan. He told me about a decision he was trying to make. He was considering flying back for the funeral or staying for somethings he needed to get done for the Air Force. Eventually he decided to come, which was both good and bad. Good because it was so, so wonderful to see him. When he walked into the church, we embraced and I didn't want to let go. Of course I eventually did because, well, I had to.

I got to spend the evening with Jordan and his family. The next morning I ended up being able to take him to the airport (at 4:30am no less!), but really I was just grateful to have been able to see him for that little bit. Although it was harder to say goodbye the second time because that time I was actually letting him go, whereas the other time I didn't have to be there the minute he drove off.

Yesterday and today, I had the opportunity to watch the 180th semi-annual General Conference, and honestly, it was so good. I loved the chance to hear from our church's general authorities and most especially the Prophet, Thomas S. Monson. Today, I got to go to Jordan's family's house (without Jordan) for their tradition of Egg's Benedict--it was so good, filling, and definitely unhealthy :) But it was so wonderful to feel accepted within their family.

So today, I talked to Jordan on the phone, and we were talking about the beginnings of our relationship. I was so sad to learn that I had absolutely nothing written about our first meeting or date. Maybe what I'm about to write will make up for it. Especially because I feel as though I should write my first impressions of him down. But this is what I can remember:

I'm pretty sure the first time I met it was a Monday, maybe a Wednesday. I think it had to have been around 10:30 or so because I had class at 11 and I was trying to get something done for that class. Although I suppose it possible it was a Tuesday. Anyway, I didn't really notice him at first--mostly because I was trying to focus on getting my homework done. I think it was reading for my British history class with Westover (he counted whether or not we did all the reading). I guess I noticed that someone was playing the piano because I made a comment out loud. Thinking about it now, I wouldn't have said something out loud if someone hadn't been sitting at the table, so I guess Jordan's argument that I was talking to him has some merit. Anyway, so I do remember him asking for my number. I remember feeling flattered, but I didn't know if anything would come from it.

Jump to the weekend (which was Nov. 7) -- our first date. I remember he picked me up from my dad's house. I also remember feeling really embarrassed--I didn't want him to come inside and see how cluttered it was. Anyway, we got in his car and tried to decide where to go. He gave me a few options and we eventually decided on Macaroni Grill--which (I found out there) that he actually worked there! Haha, but I didn't think it was class-less, I actually thought it was really smart. I always feel bad when guys spend a lot of money on dates. I remember talking and I remember just having a good time, but I can't remember much more than that sadly (This is the part where I'm really wishing I had kept a journal).

But he didn't call back--at least we were friends on Facebook right? Over the next few months I remember Facebook stalking him a handful of times--usually it was when something popped up on my news feed. I do remember thinking his profile picture at the time was particularly attractive, especially his smile/jawline.

Then sometime in February, I went to the social dance lab, and lo and behold, Jordan was there! I immediately recognized him (although I don't think I remembered his name...oops). We danced and I was smitten. For anyone that doesn't know, Jordan is the best dancer ever. He won't agree, and regardless of how well he knows the moves, he knows the right way to hold onto a girl. That's really what got me. And oh my goodness, and dancing the polka with him was the most fun I've ever had dancing. Then we started talking more and more. It began with dancing at the dance club on campus. I'm pretty sure he forgot the first time (that is, until I reminded him), but I didn't really care. I just wanted to dance with him again. So much so that I asked him to be my partner for dancesport. Unfortunately, we couldn't be partners because he was in the higher social dance class. It made me really sad, but it was okay.

Then I saw posters for a formal dance, and I really wanted to go. I really wanted to dress up and I really wanted to dance. I asked Jordan, but he couldn't go--he was going to be out of town that weekend. So I asked Todd (an amazing friend of mine who's an equally amazing dancer). We went and had so much fun, and I got to dress up. After the dance we went to a cupcake place and a little girl thought I was a princess! It was super cute.

Alas, I digress! The next weekend, there was another dance (March 26)! So I asked Jordan again. Unfortunately, he said he already had a date. At that point, I was all danced out, so I didn't bother trying to find another date. Halfway through the week (or so), Jordan's plans changed, and I got to go to this ball with him (it was a Charity Ball). It was so, so fun to spend time with him and dance. I can't remember a whole lot of what we did, but I do remember walking down in the lower level of the building and just talking. I also remember him taking an absolutely horrid picture (that he still has!) on his phone, but whatever, it's fine. ;) After the dance ended, we were both hungry, so we went this really yummy pizza place I recommended -- Pizzeria 712 (or something like that). I can't remember much more than good conversation and an interesting waiter (he was actually pretty cool). Oh yeah, and when Jordan came to pick me up, I was pretty surprised to see the car he was driving--it was super nice. Not the same car as the one on our first date (I later learned that nice car was his parents, haha. Totally fine with me, but still kinda funny). after that, we started seeing each other a lot more. April 10 was Dining Out for the Air Force. That was definitely the most interesting and enjoyable nights of my life. I had so much fun, and dancing with Jordan was just wonderful. Unfortunately, I only got one dance with him--he wasn't my date. Don't get me wrong, Adds was such a fun date, but it was that night that I realized that I really liked Jordan.

Okay I really think that's plenty for tonight. Especially since I stayed up an extra hour longer than I wanted to, to finish writing it.

Gosh, I miss you, Jordan.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Of all the places I've been...

These past few weeks have certainly been ones to remember. For the first time in my life, I was robbed. But more on that in a moment. Right now, I'll start with the beginning.

If you happened to read my last post, you might have guessed that Jordan and I broke up. It was really hard, but more than that, it was just sad. It was sad to have lost someone so wonderful, someone who's family I so dearly admire. Seeing them made me realize that that was what I wanted in my future family. The problem though, is that I don't know if I feel like I deserve it. When he broke up with me, I didn't cry myself to sleep; I didn't leave school immediately after classes because it was too hard. In fact, I kept going. It's not that I wasn't sad, I just didn't let it affect me the same way I did after Jeremiah broke up with me.

About a week and a half later, Jordan texted me, wanting to talk. That night, he came over and we talked. We talked about our relationship, our separation, and that he realized that he wanted to date again. We didn't start dating that night. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid of getting hurt again, but more this time. Eventually we did get back together.

So fast forward a few weeks. Jordan and I went to the Murray Arts Center last night. Jordan had left his wallet, a set of his car keys (he had taken one off), and his cell phone in the car. We kind of hid them, but we honestly weren't expecting to have to worry about it. We danced for a little bit, and then about after an hour and a half, we left. As we were driving down the road, I noticed that it sounded particularly loud, and I looked for an open window, and low and behold the back window (the small one, not the big one) had been busted open! We immediately pulled over and checked to see if anything was gone, but Jordan's wallet, cell phone, and keys were all there. Then Jordan lifted up the blanket that had been in the back and picked up my blue make-up compact. Immediately I realized something was not right. That compact had been in my purse, which I had left at Jordan's house. We called his parents to make sure, but they didn't find it. That's when I realized that my purse (along with my dance shoes bag [no dance shoes thankfully were inside]) were not in the car.

That's right. Contents of my purse? My Social Security Card, 5 Credit Cards, 2 Debit Cards, a flash drive, my iPod Touch, my iPod Shuffle, my temple recommend, my NY driver's license, my Utah driver's license, all of my make-up, my starving student card, $22 in cash, 50 checks, my purse (of course), and countless memories that I had stored in my wallet/purse for safe-keeping, and other things that will come to mind when I realize I'm missing them. They had used (or tried to use) all of my credit cards, one of my debit cards, and who knows what happened to the other stuff, sadly. Yes, I've canceled all of my cards (and to my defense, I don't use all 5 of those credit cards, I got 2 of them for the discounts, and two of them are for two different bank accounts that are for two different purposes, I swear I'm not a ridiculous card hoarding person!)

Yet at the same time, I feel very blessed about the whole situation. I didn't end up losing too much money (although losing those iPods sucks), they didn't take my phone, nor did they get my expensive dance shoes. Also, Jordan's stuff was not taken, which I am very grateful for. And no one else had their car broken into, which really is a good thing. Honestly, if I found the people who took my stuff, I would just ask for my purse and memories back. I don't really care about the money or the iPods (although I would like my SS card back...and I would like my temple recommend, and my iPods would be nice, but I wouldn't push it). It's all just a frustrating and mostly sad experience. Sad that people have become so untrustworthy these days.

I was going to write more concerning Jordan and myself, but I've already written a lot, and I'm getting tired.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Maybe I'll Write More Later...

but right now, I just feel like crying

Saturday, July 31, 2010


This story is an incredible one of forgiveness and hope. I would write more, but I really think it speaks for itself.

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light


When I was little, I used to suck my thumb all the time. And it wasn't just a temporary thing. I was addicted for quite a while. There wasn't anything that could stop me. Trust me. My parents tried everything. Nothing worked.

Until the orthodontist put a permanent retainer in my mouth. It was literally glued to my teeth. And when that didn't work, they put spikes on it. Seriously. Spikes. But, hey. It worked.

It's crazy to think that something that sounds so ridiculous worked. But the only thing that would keep me from continuing the addiction was to make it painful.

Maybe I should have learned from that...

Facebook Fast

That's right. I have successfully not been on Facebook for about 2 days now. And I plan on not going on until next Friday. I don't really have a good reason. I think it's mostly that I know what I'll do on there (aside from waste time), and that would just be worse than not going on at all. Besides, now my blog is getting updated a lot more often

I need to do things today. Dang. I have to finish a paper (which actually will require a lot of work, hence the reason I'm procrastinating it right now), finish my D&C hw, which shouldn't take too long, do 10 more pages of reading (I already did the first 20), and revise a different essay, oh and read something from Machiavelli, but that's not due until Tuesday, so I've got some time.

Let me just say this. Facebook sucks. I hate that I'm addicted to it. And it's really annoying to go on the internet and impulsively want to go to a website that just wastes my time and makes me feel like I have no real friends.

Anyway, I need to stop procrastinating because that list of stuff isn't going get itself done. Plus I have other chores I have to do today.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Antelope Island

I will admit that this post is long overdue, but for the 4th of July weekend, Jordan and I and my family went to Antelope Island. Jordan and I only stayed Saturday, but we hiked around and it was fun.

Despite it being called Antelope Island, there were actually a lot of Buffalo

We even saw one run into the middle of the road! It was pretty crazy actually. We hung out with Peter and Rachel for a bit and then went on our own hike.

As you can tell, we had to mentally prepare ourselves first. :)

But after that, we were ready (well, mostly)

The hike was pretty long, so we had to stop and rest/take pictures

...and dance

But after hours and hours of hiking and me complaining and Jordan not giving up, we finally made it to the top! And what a beautiful sight it was!

And then we skipped down the hill :) (and by hill, I mean mountain)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

These made me laugh

BYU Police Beat:

July 26: At 3:30 in the morning, a custodian said she saw a car parked in an unauthorized area, taking up multiple parking spots. She said a man inside the car ducked down when he saw her. When police arrived, they found two students kissing in the front seat. The police advised the students to take their activities to another location.

July 8: A student reported a sex offense occurring at Wyview Park. When an officer arrived, he found a male and female making out. Both parties were clothed. The officer suggested they find another location to continue such activities.

July 12: Students were reported yelling outside Wyview Park. An officer asked them to be quiet.

July 6: A student reported a group of students picking up a car and moving it to a different parking stall. Police spoke with the owner of the car, who moved it back. There was no damage to the car.

July 1: Three students were reported for suspicious behavior at Wyview Park. When police arrived, they found the students were having a picnic and left.

June 26: Students were reported to be trespassing in a
construction site near the Morris Center. The students claimed to be freshmen who were lost. The reporting officer redirected them.

June 24: A 5-year-old was reported missing at the Smith Fieldhouse. The child was reunited with his mom.

haha, anyway, I just love BYU

I Miss You Already

The song Mr. Lonely has been on repeat in my head all day. Weird, because I hardly know the sing, but that doesn't stop it from playing again and again.

I have to admit though, missing you is different than it was for other people. It's so weird. I don't quite understand it.

I think I would have been okay if I didn't go to your house. That was a mistake. Only because your mom knew. If I'd known she knew, I would have stayed home. Given you the guitar.

I know, I'm pathetic. Especially since it's only day 3 of 10 days. Gosh, that makes me even more depressed. Wait, did I say 10? I meant 12. Twelve days...that's kind of a long time to go without someone you're used to seeing every day.

Maybe it will get easier when I actually can't see you, when you'll be so far gone that maybe I won't even think about you. "Out of sight, out of mind," right?

Or was it "absence makes the heart grow fonder"??

Now even the things that used to distract me aren't working. I just get nothing done at all. Maybe nothing is too strong a word. I can't be doing nothing. And I wouldn't let myself even if I could.

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. It's depressing. I'm depressing

At least I get to talk to you every day. Even if it is only via letters/journal (that fortunately, I don't even have to publish). Not that I have to publish this. I realize it's solely a matter of choice

But sometimes I like to pretend people actually read my blog.

I wish I were a poet.

Monday, July 26, 2010

What are you really afraid of?

When people talk about trials, they always talk about trials they've gone through in the past. No one wants to get up at sacrament meeting and admit that they are going through something really hard right now. Nope. It's always after the fact.

Why do we do that? What are we really afraid of?

Admitting out loud that you're struggling means that you not only have to admit it to someone else, but to yourself as well. Why would you want to do something that would potentially cause you more pain?

But why can't we ask for help? Is it really all that bad to say to someone else, "you know what? I'm struggling right now, and I would appreciate your help"? Or "no, I'm not really okay" or whatever. There have been so many times where I have offered up a listening ear, only to not be taken seriously. I know of many others who are willing to listen who are never spoken to about such troubles.

I'm not saying that you should go tell everyone your problems, but you should tell someone, right? People care. Give them credit.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Apartment is Really Hot

Today I realized that I have a lot of homework. It's not due tomorrow or anything, but I know if I put it off (like I'm doing right now), I will certainly regret it later. The problem is, my apartment is really really hot. I even have the A/C on and it doesn't seem to be working.

So because my apartment is really, really hot, I just don't feel like doing anything productive. And I'm really tired. Wow, writing that made me feel even more tired. I think I just need to get some cold air and get back to work. Otherwise next week will suck.

Monday, July 19, 2010


There is music for every mood, right? When you're happy, sad, angry, joyful, fun, in love... But what do you play when you're heartbroken?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Frustration at it's worst

Really, really, REALLY want to go cry now. I hate this stupid paper.

And I hate that all of a sudden I'm spelling words wrong.
Including my own name.

Falling, falling, falling

in and out of love
and back in again

Like dreams
that float across our
wearied eyes

We watch them come
and go

And when we wake
they're gone

Only the memory remains

That's what falling out of love is
...kind of at least

Only closed doors can keep us
from moving forward
Except if our legs
are broken

Just like our hearts
are broken

The yellow daisy
refuses to bloom
because she's afraid
of being trampled upon

That's what love is like
when you try to fall back into it

Don't Care, Don't Care, Don't Care.....

Right now, I'd like to just vent. Here are my frustrations:

I just spent several hours yesterday writing a paper for a class. Fortunately, it was only a rough draft, but after having the teacher review it, he pretty much said that I had done it all wrong. So now I have to re-write the paper pretty much, change the way I wrote it, and have it all done by Wednesday.

That wouldn't be a problem except...

-I have another five page paper due on Thursday. At least I've started it, but who knows, maybe I've done that wrong too.

-I have to take a test before Friday

-I have a short paper to do that shouldn't take long to write, but I still have to do kind of a lot of research for it.

-I still have to do homework reading assignments for my classes

I hate hate hate hate school right now. This is so frustrating. I have no idea what I'm going to do, which makes me not want to do anything, which is just going to make everything worse.

I think I'm going to go cry right now.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Boyfriend = Best Friend?

K, so there's this thing about me.

I'm am really good at making new friends.

Especially with boys.

I'm not quite sure why I'm 1000 times more comfortable around boys than I am around girls, but the fact of the matter is, I just am. But my relationship with boys generally doesn't extend past that initial friendship. Sometimes I might become better friends with some guys than others, but a lot of times, even those friendships tend to fade away.

But that's beside the point.

Yeah, I am good at making friends....

BUT I'm super horrible at making best friends. Even with my boyfriend.

It's kind of frustrating. Here's why:
-I want to be best friends with him!

But here's why I'm probably not:
-Being best friends with someone requires your consistent attention (not necessarily constant though)
-You have to let them in
-Even scarier, you have to let them let you in.

This means that you actually have to tell them things. About yourself! About your life; about your likes and dislikes; about your love; about your most embarrassing momoents, your mistakes, heck even the times when you didn't make mistakes. You should totally be allowed to brag about yourself to your best friend. But that also means knowing them well enough to be comfortable doing that.

And it's hard to know what to do in a relationship where you don't feel that 'best friend' connection because I do think it's important. It's completely fair to want to marry someone that you can put your absolute trust in. Who wants to marry someone that makes fun of them or who makes them feel less than they really are?


Sometimes I wish life weren't so hard.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Just felt like that needed to be sung at the top of my lungs, but since I don't really feel like singing at the top of my lungs, I figured I'd just yell it here ;)

Referrin' to the title of the post for those of you that aren't pickin' up what I'm layin' down :D

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Scariest Thing I've Ever Done

I would say that I've done my share of pretty frightening things in my life.

This includes
-learning how to paraglide (every time the instructor said, "are you ready?" I'd affirm that I was, but in my mind I'd say, "No way!")
-climbing on a mountain where the last quarter mile was basically cliff
-river rafting
-cliff jumping.
Heck, these are all the things I've done in the past month.

I've walked on fresh, hot coals (seriously)
-bent rebar with my neck
-literally been attacked by some guy I didn't know
-fought in District, Regionals, and Nationals in Karate...twice.

I've walked on high ropes
-jumped over waterfalls
-rappelled down cliffs
-allowed some stranger to adjust my neck in the JFK Airport in NYC.
-gotten hit by a car whilst riding my bike

I have put my trust in complete strangers
-gone over 115 mph (shh, just don't tell the cops)
-gotten in a car accident (or two....)
-driven across the United myself
-performed in two solo recitals
-just done some just pretty stupid/scary things

I left for college by myself
-with no friends to come with me
-moved again, and again, and again...

I've had to re-invent myself since high school (in a sense at least)
I've had to find new friends
I've had to cope with losing friends and loves
I've dealt with my family falling apart
I've fallen in love and back out again

But the scariest thing I've done is probably what I'm currently going through right now. I really didn't intend for this to happen. At all. You would have thought that I might have learned from lesson from past experience, but I obviously haven't. The scariest thing I've even done is fallen in 'love' with someone that doesn't quite love me back. I say 'love' because maybe I'm not in love, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. Let me tell you: it is so so so scary. Maybe I should just be patient...right? I considered making this a private post, but no one reads my blog anyway, so I'm not too worried. And I haven't told him either. We'll just wait and see.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

*Insert Clever Post Title Here*

yeah, I'm not creative.

So quick update on my life:

-I'm still going to school. I'm trying to figure out my schedule right now, even though classes started yesterday. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to go FallWinterSpringSummer because I'm definitely getting sick of school. Oh well, I'll get done faster right? ...Right?? I better.

-I'm dating a wonderful guy named Jordan Holmes. We've been dating for almost two months. I love love love his family and his friends are super awesome as well. Compared to him, I feel like I don't know anybody though. I'm always introduced instead of me introducing him. It's okay though.

-I went white water rafting on my 3-day break from school. Gosh, what the heck? Three days is not a break, especially when it includes a Sunday.....rafting was super fun though. At least I got to do something, right? And I got to hang out with my lovely bf and meet even more of his friends.

I'm not sure why I started this blog exactly, but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on certain things. In fact, I bookmarked this blog and put it on the bar below the URL and took Facebook off. But I still go to Facebook more often than I come here. I've just mastered typing Facebook really fast....Anyway, I don't really know what to write right now. I'm just ranting. Maybe I'll think of something creative later and post. Maybe I'll post on here what Jordan and I are doing to celebrate his birthday and then tease him because he didn't read my blog. ;) (He doesn't know yet). Well, I'll at least give all you millions of readers a hint. It involves a few of the things he enjoys, including 1) learning new things, 2) spending time with me ;), andddd last but not least 3) Flying...well in a sense at least. Maybe it's not as excited as flying a ... whatever kind of jet it is that he is obsessed with, but it'll be a fun experience I'm sure.

Well, I think I've bored you all enough. Like I said, maybe I'll post something later. For now, I should get reading on my Illiad homework reading assingment

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Being Single in the Church

Last week, I had to give a presentation in my SFL 100 class (it's on The Family: A Proclamation to the World though it's official title is "Strengthening Marriage and Family." It's probably the best class I've ever taken.) Anyway, it was one being single in the church. Interestingly, the church considers you a single adult if you are
over the age of 18, and if you have never been married, are divorced, or if you are widowed. So that's a pretty large group first of all.
So aside from that definition, what does it mean to be single? When your single, you don't have that one person whom you can rely on. You have to turn to your family or friends when pressing issues emerge or emotions of any sort swell within you. Which is not a bad thing, but sometimes it's good to just have someone there that will listen to all of your problems/frustrations/good news/whatevers. Anyway, I'm starting to stray from what I intended for this post.
For my part of the presentation I was supposed to focus on divorce and how to cope with that. However, being who I am, I read the wrong part (at first) and instead got all prepared to talk about being single in the Church. So I'll just talk about both here! (Since I didn't get to talk about being single in the Church for the presentation).

President Gordon B. Hinckley made a wonderful point about being single. He said,

Let us face the fact that in this life some of you will marry, some of you may not…For those who do not marry, this fact of life must be faced squarely. But continuous single status is not without opportunity, challenge, or generous recompense.

I shutter at the thought of never getting married. That would be absolutely terrifying for me, just because of how much I value family and children and marriage. However, if our whole life depended on whether or not we got married - well that would just be ridiculous! I know of many wonderful, deserving people that have yet to be married, and may not get married in this life. I think life is a journey, and marriage is a step along the way. It certainly has a different path and changes your journey, but that doesn't mean that you won't reach your final destination if you never have the opportunity to get married in this life. President Hinckley also stated,

To you single [members] . . . who wish to be married, I say this, ‘Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospect will brighten immeasurably.

I love that he's emphasizes what we can to do to attain happiness as a single adult. I love his bluntness - "But do give up being obsessed with it." What great advice is that? Become anxiously engaged in other activities. Give your heart to the Lord, let service fill your life.

Something the author of the essay I read pointed out that “Being single is not an excuse to limit . . . development in gospel knowledge, obedience to commandments, or efforts to do good works.” Nothing should limit our development of gospel knowledge, our obedience to the commandments, or our efforts to do good works. Not even being single. I know that the prophets recognize the pain that comes from being single. At this point in my life, I know I'm very inexperienced to be writing about this kind of stuff, but I firmly believe that turning to the Lord in times of need is the absolute best thing you can do. It may not make you forget that you're not married, but at least you can realize you're not alone.

As I said earlier, I actually presented on Moving Forward after Divorce, and I didn't include a whole lot from the book (because it was just a personal essay). But something I did show the class was this wonderful video on hope. I love how President Utchdorf speaks on the Infinite Power of Hope, and I'll just include the video. I hope all six of you that read this enjoyed it :)

K, I'm a slacker

Sorry. New post to follow as soon as I finish writing it. It will be today!


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Miracles don't make the Testimony

In Alma chapter 30, it talks about Korihor, the anti-Christ. He ridicules the atonement and the Spirit of Prophecy. He taught people that it was foolish to look for a Christ, and that no man could know of anything to come. He criticized those who believed in the prophets by saying that they blindly followed the foolish traditions of their fathers. He questioned how they could know of things that they could not see. He taught that man prospered according to his own strength and genius and that no atonement was made for man. Because of his teachings, Korihor was able to lead many away from the truthfulness of the gospel. However, some recognized that his teachings were completely false and threw him out of their city. He tried to teach in another city, and they took him to Alma, who was governor of the land. Korihor condemned Alma by saying that he glutted on the labors of his people and accused him of teaching his people silly traditions. Alma corrected Korihor by telling him that he (Alma) worked alongside his people and did not glut on their labors. He even says, "and notwithstanding the many labors which i have performed in the church, I have never received so much as even one senine for my labor..." He then continues by saying, "and now, if we do not receive anything for our labors in the church, what doth it profit us to labor in the church save it were to declare the truth, that we may have rejoicing in the joy of our brethren?" He basically tells Korihor that he receives absolutely nothing for the work he does except the joy of bringing his brethren to the gospel of truth. Alma then proceeds to ask Korihor if he believes that there is a god, to which Korihor says no, that he does not believe that there is a god. Korihor then asks, "If thou wilt show me a sign, that I may be conviced that there is a God, yea, show unto me that he hath power, and then will I be convinced of the truth of thy words." Alma denounces this behavior, saying that there are signs all around him and that he should not tempt God. Korihor then says that he will continue to lead people away unless he is shown a sign. Alma relents and says, "it is better that thy soul should be lost than that thou shouldst be the means of bringing many souls down to destruction." He then warns Korihor that if he continues to deny God, that God will strike him dumb. Anyways, the moral of the story is that Korihor is indeed struck dumb because of his unwillingness to accept the truth. When this happens, Korihor immediately sees the error of his ways, and tries to go back to being able to speak again, but Alma refuses, saying that he will only continue to lead people away.

When I first read this, I didn't quite understand why Alma refused based on the idea that Korihor would still lead people away. When I discussed however, I came to a better understanding. The problem was not whether or not Korihor believed that the miracle came from God or not, it was more that he did not experience a change of heart. And even more, if he had been allowed to speak again, he most likely would have forgotten the experience and gone back to teaching false doctrine and continued to lead people away to wickedness.

Now this is what I want to say concerning miracles. I know that I have experienced many in my life and heard about even more. Regardless of your faith or whether or not you believe in God, everyone experiences miracles. Most of the time we do not recognize them, but they're still there. Just think of how many times you made it home from work safely. Remember all the storms that you made it through without harm or accident befalling you. I mean, so many of my friends have been in horrible accidents and walked away with mere scratches or less. I heard of incredible medical miracles, feats of physical strength that would seem impossible, miracles of people changing to be a better person. But miracles don't have to be big or grandiose to be miracles. Anything from a healthy newborn child to making a new friend can be miracles. Just a small example from my life. The other day I was feeling awful, and when I got to work, I felt even worse. The whole time I was there, I cried. I was frustrated and remorseful. I knew I wasn't being myself. One of my managers saw me, and worked it out so that I could go home (miracle #1). Then after going to my grandparents house, a friend of mine came over and just made me feel a million times better. He was definitely what I needed at that time (miracle #2). Now some of these things probably just seem like blessings and they definitely are, but it was really a miracle that I had someone there for me in my time of need.

However, although miracles are amazing and have a purpose in our lives, we cannot base anything off them. Faith does not come from witnessing or experiencing a miracle, and this is why: We're human, and we forget. It's so hard to remember the wonderful sense of awe we feel after experiencing a miracle. We may remember that it happened, but we won't always remember what it felt like. That's why we need to have a sincere faith and CONTINUE to strive for its growth. Just as the primary song says, "faith is like a little seed, if we plant it, it will grow." If we don't plant our faith, it will never grow. And just like a seed, if we don't continue to nourish it daily, it will die.

I hope this wasn't too long and scatter brained, I just have a lot to say.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Infinite Power of Hope

I often visit the LDS Church website, and watching their video clips from General Authority Talks is one of my favorite things to do. Although this one is not all that recent, it is one of my favorites. I absolutely love President Utchdorf. He has a great spirit that just emanates from him. This talk is from the October 2008 General Conference. This video is a mere clip of the whole talk. I love how he emphasizes what hope can do for us. It can bring up happiness and sustain us through despair. He states that through hope, we can come to the knowledge that our prayers are heard and answered. But one of my favorite quotes from this excerpt is when he says, "Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us.... Never allow despair to overcome your spirit." Sometimes it is so hard to keep your head up and remember that tomorrow is not far off. Sometimes it is really difficult to not feel alone, but because of the Atonement of Christ, we can always turn to Him if we have hope.

Here's the link to the video:


And here's the link to the actual talk:

If anyone out there is reading this, I hope that by watching this you can maybe feel the Spirit and inspiration I felt while watching it. Hope truly has the power to change and testify if we allow it to.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Keeping a Blog

I have kept journals throughout my whole life. Well, at least for the most part. Sometimes I am really diligent. I have a journal that I kept up almost daily for a year of my life. Other than that, I have a few other journals that have been on and off. Some are really good, like my Europe journal and an online journal I kept a few years ago, some are really scattered. A little before I started regularly writing in this blog, I read through a few of them and remembered parts of my life that I hadn't remembered before. I was stunned at how much I had forgotten. I also realized that if I had forgotten all that, how much would I remember now? So, I've decided to keep a blog so that I can remember my life. As someone once said, "A birth certificate proves that you were born, but a personal history proves that you lived -- you really lived." I want to prove that I really lived.

Sometimes I think back to my past and I crave to remember what I had done. I wish to go back to one specific event and re-live it through my own eyes; my own writing, but I can't most of the time because I didn't keep up a regular journal. And I know that when I have kids, I will be able to share my writings with them, but there will be so much missing that I didn't write and can't remember. I guess I would encourage anyone that reads this to write in a journal or a blog or something! Whether you think your story is worth telling or not, I promise that you will never regret doing it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Divine Nature and Individual Worth

Ok, so I feel like I'm cheating a little by posting this and not having written anything, but I recently wrote this paper for my class. It's a little long, so I won't be offended if you don't want to read it all. Or any of it for that matter, I just liked what I had written.

The Sunday following my 12th birthday was quite exciting for me. I was finally old enough to enter the Young Women’s program. On my first day, I was presented with seven different colored flowers. Each flower represented a different Young Women’s value. As I became more intimately involved in the program, I soon had the Young Women’s theme memorized. Although each value is important in its own sense, there are two that are immanently placed in our lives, but that are often misconstrued by what the world thinks they should mean.
As children of our Father in Heaven, we are endowed with two very special gifts. In fact, these two gifts are inherently ours, regardless of our actions here on earth. Because of two very important ideas, each person is innately endowed with divine nature and individual worth. Although I had memorized the oft-repeated Young Women’s theme, I never really took the time to break down what I had so monotonously repeated for so long. However, within the first sentence of the theme, these two important ideas are presented.
The theme begins “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us…” (Young Women Theme 1) This clause alone shares these two very important ideas. The first is that we are directly related to a heavenly being. Not only are we related to this being, but we are daughters of this heavenly being, who is indeed our Father. The second essential idea in this line is that this heavenly being, or Heavenly Father, loves us. The combination of these two essential ideas equates to each person having divine nature and individual worth. Being children of a god automatically gives each of us an inherent quality of divinity, and being loved by that god gives us the reality of our own worth. If one of these two ideas were missing, we could not have both of these qualities inherently within us.
This idea of each individuals divine nature is further emphasized by the quote in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” which reads, “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny” (1). This quote expresses that having a divine nature and destiny is not a matter of choice, but rather that it is an inherent quality. One may act in a manner that is completely opposite of one who recognizes their divine nature, but since it is an innate characteristic about us it can never be lost. It is similar to our eye color. We may try and hide its true color with color contacts, but underneath it all, we will always have the eye color we were born with.
Individual worth, though related, takes on another matter completely. The media would have us believe that we ought to look a certain way, dress a certain way, and be a certain way to have any worth about us. The ability of a woman to look ideal has replaced important but seemingly ‘old-fashioned’ values of her morality, spirituality, and generosity to determine her worth (“Beauty …” 1). It has gotten to a point where women willingly sacrifice their health in order to fill a superficial, yet bottomless hole of worth that can never be filled (“Beauty …” 2). Growing up in this era did not make understanding my own individual worth any easier. For a long time, I compared myself to others. I strived for perfection, not only in the way I looked, but in my academia as well. I didn’t want to look bad in front of anyone and have that person think less of me. At this time, I didn’t fully understand the concept of individual worth and how it is unchanging. I, like many others my age, could only see my worth as the world did.
As I grew older, my self-perception did change for the better, but I still never really understood the full meaning of individual worth. When I read the chapter, “The Divine Nature of Each Individual” from Strengthening Our Families, I had a very personal, yet very distinct revelation. No matter what I did, my worth would never change. Regardless of the mistakes I made, the people I hurt, and sins I had committed, my worth was absolute in the eyes of the Lord (Lockhart et al 222). On top of the absoluteness of my own worth, was the absolute worth of every person around me; whether I loved them or hated them; whether they were incredibly kind or awfully mean, nothing they could do would change their worth to the Lord (Lockhart et al 221). This was a stunning revelation to me. Of course I had heard over and over again that I was a child of God as were those around me, but I never fully understood how worth played into that until now.
The key difference I was missing here was that my worth was not synonymous with my worthiness. Because I did not have a clear understanding of the crucial difference between the two, I could not understand that our worthiness can fluctuate depending on our actions, whereas our worth does not and will not ever change (Lockhart et al 221-2). The idea that “worthiness does not determine worth” rings true for every single person that lives and ever has lived in this life (Lockhart et al 221-2). This distinction is vital because our perception of our worth affects our worthiness (Lockhart et al 222). Scholars Barbara Lockhart and Shirley Cox have this to say about how our worthiness can be affected by our perceived worth.

If we feel that we are ‘no good’ or ‘worthless,’ and that Heavenly Father couldn’t possibly love us, the tendency is to give up or to do things that affect our worthiness. If we have a testimony of our worth, when we make a mistake we want to repent. We are able to distinguish between who we are and what we do…We can love the sinner – ourselves – but not the sin. (222)

In this quote, they explain that when we have a negative opinion of ourselves and cannot see how God can possibly love us, we tend to give up on important things, such as faithfully attending church or living the principles of the gospel. They continue by saying that we can love ourselves in our fallen state, but not to get caught up in the fallen state. When we choose to repent rather than give up, we are able to recognize our worth and in turn, recognize how important it is for our worthiness.
Another important principle based on both our individual worth and divine nature is that we can be justified in having a good self-esteem. Elder Maxwell taught that self esteem controls our ability to love God, love others, and love the life we have been given (Lockhart et al 222). He continues by saying “Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven.” When we cannot love ourselves, how can our love for one another grow? Conversely, when we have feelings of self-loathing, how are we love another, and in turn, how does that separate us from Satan? We cannot be separated from Satan if we are having feelings of self-contempt.
This is something that may be difficult to grasp. Everyone has days where they just feel down about themselves. However, if we allow ourselves to dwell on our shortcomings, we will lose sight of our true worth, just as Satan did. Instead of repenting, he decided to be prideful and turn his back on Heavenly Father, which led to grave and everlasting consequences. Although no matter what, we will be in a better state than Satan merely because we are blessed with a mortal body, he does have the ability to let ourselves think so little of ourselves that we lose our sense of worth and divinity.
Unfortunately, Satan has become very skilled in this technique of self-loathing. It often comes in the form of depression, and he persuades us that we are of no worth. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression” (Benson 1). It is at these times that we tend to forget our worth and divine nature, and instead turn to trying to fulfill and please those of the world. President Benson then counsels Latter-day Saints to be patient and optimistic and remember that “the Lord shall have power over his saints” (D&C 1:35). His counsel continues with several ways in which we can leave this path of despair, but all of them involve a concerted and consistent effort. When we are feeling this way, the only way to return to feeling the way our Father in Heaven wants us to feel is by doing this constant work to make the changes.
One of the greatest ways we can recognize our own individual worth and divine nature is finding such qualities in those around us. There are several ways to go about doing this, but one of the greatest is through service (Benson 2). Actions as small as giving a specific compliment about a friend or getting to know a new person will not only greatly improve their sense of self-worth, but it will also improve your own. When we can recognize the worth of souls in others, we are able to see others the way God sees all of His children (Benson 2).
Another way in which we can recognize the worth of our own soul and our divinity is explained by Elder Maxwell. Here, he teaches the importance of losing oneself:

Losing oneself means losing concern over getting credit; by knowing our true identity we need not be concerned over seeming anonymity…Losing oneself means yielding the substance of one’s own agendum if it does not match the agendum of the Lord. (Lockhart et al 221)

By this, Elder Maxwell tries to illustrate that often our desire for recognition for the acts of service we perform is unnecessary. If we understand our own individuality, we should not concern ourselves with getting credit. He also makes clear the idea that we must be willing to drop our own desires to fulfill the desires of the Lord. By doing this, we can have a greater sense of our own individual worth because we won’t feel the need to gratify our worth with credit and we will be able to draw closer unto the Savior by following the path that He would have us follow.
One final way we can recognize our diving nature is by having an understanding of why we were sent her. President James E. Faust said this about our divine nature and our purpose on this earth:

A conviction that you are a [child] of God gives you a feeling of comfort in your self-worth. It means that you can find strength in the balm of Christ. It will help you meet the heartaches and challenges with faith and serenity. … [One] must feel that [they] can do something for someone else that no one else ever born can do. (“Visiting Teaching Message…” 1)

In this, President Faust recognizes and expresses his belief that each person was sent to earth for a specific reason – to do something no one else could do. When we don’t recognize this, we miss out on opportunities we have to bless others and in turn receive blessings for ourselves.
In a culture where so many strive for perfection, with so few attaining it, it is easy to see why many get lost in the idea of what true self-worth is. Because they do not realize their true individual worth, they cannot recognize their divine nature either. When people lack the knowledge and understanding of these two essential characteristics, it becomes easy to slip into a routine of depression, anxiety, and fear – all of which are tools used by Satan to draw us even further from our Heavenly Father (Perkins 1). When we lose ourselves in the will of the Lord, we can start to come back to Him and be worthy to be in His presence.
Faith; divine nature; individual worth; knowledge; choice and accountability; good works; integrity; virtue – all of these values are important and necessary in their own sense. However, only two are instilled within us – divine nature and individual worth. They are also the only two that can never change, regardless of what we do, say, think, or feel. It is always possible for us to lose sight of our true divinity and worth, but the Lord never will. Even though the world may see us as plain or not of great worth, our actual worth will not be affected by this view. Unfortunately, it can affect our worthiness because it leads to incorrect conceptions about ourselves, which leads to adopting an attitude of worthlessness for ourselves. Because of the opportunity I’ve had to read and come to better understand the individual worth and divine nature of each soul, both my testimony and my capacity to love others have grown tremendously. Because I know that my worth is absolute in the eyes of the Lord, I can help others see their worth and divinity.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Why I suck at saying "no"

First of all, yes, it is indeed 3am Utah time. And I am tired, I just can't sleep. Weird, huh?

Anyways, I used to be really, really prideful and I hated feeling like a fool. I mean, who doesn't right? But over the years, I've learned that it is less important to worry about how you look to other people. I mean, don't get me wrong, I certainly don't like feeling stupid or foolish, but I would rather that than something else. Well, a particular thing actually. I have this thing about me, where I like to make other people happy. Even though sometimes in the process of doing that, I'm not always happy. But nonetheless, the happiness of others is something that I highly value. This is why I often have such a hard time saying no, but that is beside the point. Anyway! I would rather allow someone else to make me feel foolish than make them unhappy. Please don't misinterpret this to think I'm a better person than I actually am. I just feel happy when those around me are happy. If they are unhappy, especially if it was something I did, I always feel terrible. Even if it was something little. It's important to me. In an effort to make those around me happy, I will almost always do what they want me to, even if I don't want to. I don't mean that I'd lower my standards, but I would definitely do things I didn't want to.

Does that make me a sell out?

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Reason I could never be a Politician is the Same Reason I could never be an Author

When I was little, I had a goal of being the first female President. I have since completely changed this goal. I don't even have any desire to go into politics and here's why. I very much dislike the negativity that is so often associated with it. In fact, let me make this even more general. I would never ever want to be famous. I, like many people I'm sure, really don't like hearing negative things, especially about myself. I would not look forward to my every action being examined under a microscope to determine what the ulterior motive was. I'm sure I might be able to ignore the negativity for a little while if this were something I was truly passionate about, but knowing myself, it would be incredibly difficult not to let it get to me.
This is the same reason I don't think I could be an author. Aside from not being all that creative, I just don't think I take criticism very well. At least I didn't this past week in my creative writing class. Maybe I ought to try again and let this be something that I decide to work on.

But I just want to say, to those who take criticism well, my hat is off to you. It is so hard to sit there and not say anything while something you created or that is a part of you is attacked and destroyed. Even if it wasn't something you put your heart and soul into, it still sucks.

Today, I watched a clip where 25 people were asked whether or not people could change. Almost half said that people are the way they are and they cannot change. Well, I'd like to think that people can change. So this is me making an effort to change how I view criticism. And not only that, when it is necessary, take that criticism as advice and work on things that I need to work on. (But I should note that I still don't think I'd ever want to be a politician. I don't know that I could handle all of the negativity).

Sorry, this post was a little random, but it has just been on my mind for the past few days.

Mediocricy will never do.

A little while ago, I found an internet page of quotes by the late Latter-day Saint Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. After reading it, I decided that I would not just bookmark this page, but I would set it as a tab on my internet page, so that I would see it more often. Anyways, I was looking at my facebook page and looked at some of the quotes I had written on my "quotes wall" and I found this one that I had gotten off of this website. It reads,

"Mediocricy will never do. You are capable of something better."

Now, I'm sure every person reading my blog knows what the word mediocre means, but I'd just like to quickly examine it's definition. According to the Oxford American Dictionary, the definition of mediocre is "of only moderate quality; not very good."

Anyways, back to the quote. In this simple statement something very profound is offered. Each person, of course, has their agency and we can choose whatever we want. We can choose to mediocre if we so desire, but that's EXACTLY what it is! A choice! When we feel mediocre that's because we have not yet made the choice to be extraordinary. *Note: I said extraordinary, not perfect or flawless (I'll come back to this later)* I know that I sometimes feel like I'm not good at any one thing. Days when I let this get me especially down, I feel absolutely mediocre. But those are also the days where I decide to dwell on those things that I'm not particularly good at or when I compare my talents to those whose talents are greater than mine. Along with thinking ourselves mediocre is acting that way. Like I said, mediocricy is a choice. If we choose to do nothing or very little, we are allowing ourselves to attain nothing more than mediocricy. I want to emphasize here that being more than mediocre takes work. Of course there are people that are naturally good at things, but among those that are more seasoned and experienced, they won't be much more than mediocre because natural talent can only take you so far. I'll use myself as an example of this. I have a natural talent for singing. I certainly wouldn't say I'm the best singer, but I also know that I have definitely been blessed with a good voice. If I chose not to practice and make my voice better, it might sound good to some people, but other singers would know better.
Also, in President Hinckley's statement, he says that we are capable of doing better. This only reinforces the idea that becoming extraordinary is a choice we have to make. We all have the potential within us to be the person we were sent here to be.

Now I want to make an important distinction here. Being extraordinary does not mean that we need to be the best at something. One can be average and extraordinary at the same time. This probably sounds a little confusing, so allow me to elaborate. You can be an average person in many ways, whether it's having an average 9-5 job, an average haircut, an average salary, average clothes. You may just be an average runner, an average singer, an average whatever, no matter what you're average at, you have the opportunity to be extraordinary as well. It could be the influence you've had on others, maybe while serving a mission, sharing a thought about something you find important, or sharing your talents. Whatever it is, you have to recognize that you can be better than mediocre, you just have to try.

I'd just like to re-state that quote one more time.

"Mediocricy will never do. You are capable of something better."

I don't think I can state it simpler than that. It just will never do and each person is capable of being better than that.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Broken: On Relationships

Although I have several topics that I plan on blogging about, I would just like to take a moment to address this issue. Dating is fun. Generally, it is not all that hard. Especially not for me. I don't say that because I think I'm 'so good' at getting dates. I just have an easier time befriending guys. Consequently, I get asked out on lots of dates. Certainly enough to keep me busy. I think this is mostly because not only am I comfortable around guys (more so than I am around girls), I have no concrete interests, so I'm interested in just about anything. That leaves a lot of room for diversity. And trust me, there is diversity. But as I said before, dating is pretty easy. There is almost no commitment there. You go on a date, get to know each other, and at the end, you go home and that's it. Relationships on the other hand are terrifying. How are you supposed to put all of your trust in someone? Especially someone that you might possibly love. Someone that could potentially cause you deep sorrow and pain. When you go on dates with people, how much do you tell them that involves their trust? Not much. But when you're in a relationship, how long can you make it without trust? Not long.

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to be in a relationship with someone. I want to have that feeling of absolute trust with someone that I love. But right now, I don't know if that is something I can do. I'm still a little broken from a past relationship. Sadly, that brokenness is affecting my ability to be in relationships now.

Today I talked with a guy that I had dated for a couple of months and then broken up with. Surprisingly, talking to him was very comfortable. Just like it was when we were dating. It made me question my decision in our breaking up. Before he left, we talked about why it was hard for him to be friends with me. He said that since we weren't really close friends while we were dating, that it was hard for him to feel close to me now. And that is completely fair for him to say because, truthfully, I didn't tell him a whole lot that was going on with me because I was afraid to trust him. I think this may be something I've always had a hard time with. Being in a relationship leads to broken hearts, painful memories, and hurt feelings. If you have a bad date, then you just don't go on another with that person, and the bad date is soon forgotten or no longer as bad as it was at that moment. I know that for me, it will be hard to be in another relationship, and despite all the bad things in could lead to, there are many wonderful things a relationship can provide. Among them is having someone that you can trust, someone you can love that loves you back. Someone that will just make you feel happy.

Broken things can be fixed....right?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Be True to Yourself

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Be true to yourselves, and your respect for yourself will increase. Know that yours is a divine birthright. Cultivate a good opinion of yourselves." Notice no where in that quote is the idea of selfishness, conceit, or vanity. Rather we are counseled to have a good opinion of ourselves. Now what does this mean exactly if not vanity or conceit? I believe that we should think highly of ourselves and give ourselves credit when need be. I'll be the first to admit that thinking highly of myself is not one of my greatest traits, however, something that is crucial for our understanding as human beings in this life is to realize our worth. Every person is a son or daughter of God. As children of our Heavenly Father, we are blessed with divine traits and talents. The Lord did not give us talents so that we could hide them away. He gave us these talents and traits so that, as individuals, we would be given the chance to shine. What would could any one offer to humanity if no one was blessed with any talents? Humanity would not exist if that were so. I think it is very important that we not only recognize our talents, but also work to develop them in every way we can. By doing this, we will be able to accept ourselves for who we are and learn to "cultivate a good opinion" of ourselves.

I recently talked to a friend of mine and asked him what were some qualities that he really valued and looked for in potential girls. One of the traits he listed was that she should have self-confidence. Now I wouldn't say that I'm all that self-confident, although I have gotten better. But I never really thought that it would be unattractive to other people to not be self-confident, but thinking about it, it kind of is. When people put themselves down, it makes me feel sad for them that they don't realize their worth, and it is also not very attractive. I guess my message with this whole rant is don't forget who you really are. Don't forget your divine birthright. Remember that no one can make you feel bad but you. And always remember that "mediocrity will never do. You are capable of something better." (Gordon B. Hinckley)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Live and Learn, The Creation, & Uncle Kirt

Okay, so as I was trying to sign into my blog, I had put in my email and what I thought was the password, but I was then directed to a page informing me that I had not entered the correct password and that I needed to try again. I put in several different passwords, but to no avail. I then sent an email to myself to remind me of my password. I waited and waited, but nothing came. Confused, I returned to the sign in page and tried again. Nothing still. At this point I was extremely confused. So then, I tried a different email, and alas! That was the correct email! Whodathunk! Not me obviously because it took me about 20 minutes to figure this all out. Live and Learn I guess.

I had wanted to share this today, but I couldn't find the right opportunity, so I'll share it here before I forget. A little over a year ago, my Uncle Kirt passed away from a heart attack. He was not old. In fact, he had just gotten remarried. What made it even worse is that his wife literally watched him die. It was not over time, he did not deteriorate. It was extremely sudden and without warning. I remember the day I got the call from my dad telling me that his brother had died. I was standing in the kitchen of my dorm my freshman year of college. I didn't believe him at first, but I also knew my dad wouldn't make a joke about something like that. When I went to the funeral, my Grandma gave a talk about the Creation. At first, I was really confused as to why she would talk about something that seemed so irrelevant. However, as she continued with her talk, and as I saw today, I learned that it was not irrelevant at all. Before coming to this life, our Heavenly Father presented a plan to us. This plan involved coming to Earth, living as mortal beings, and then hopefully returning to our Heavenly Father. My grandma then talked about the wonderful creation of the earth, the solar system, and the universe. She talked about how infinite the universe is and of how great God's creations are. She then continued by explaining that God not only created this vast thing, but also created each little thing, like the fish and the plants and the insects of the earth. He paid attention to every last detail. He finished with his greatest creation. Man. God made man in His image, and his plan was that we would all someday become gods like unto himself.

You know what, I kind of lost my train of thought on this. I started this blog a few hours ago, but this is the gist of what I want to say. The Lord created man in his image. To me, this means that He WANTS us to be like him in every way. Even in the way we look. He wants us to live up to our fullest potential. He wants us to become gods in the next life. My uncle was not perfect. No one is. But he was a good person. He may not have lived up to his fullest potential in this life, but I know he will in the next. Sorry, this wasn't as good a post as I would've liked, but I just all of a sudden got really distracted

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Charity, Forgiveness, and Loving Others

Elder Marvin J. Ashton once said,

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply five each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resiting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

How often do we find ourselves judging others without knowing them or their circumstance? I know that I myself have done it on many occasions, often without even realizing it. Charity is not expecting others around us to fit our needs, rather it is about accepting each person as they are and being willing to forgive. Being charitable is no easy task, especially when it is SO easy to be judgmental and unforgiving sometimes. Life is more than being right in an argument, it's more than living the ideal life, it's more than me and you. Charity is more than merely helping others. Charity is helping others reach their true potential; it's helping others realize they are sons and daughters of a divine Heavenly Father; it's being willing to forgive even when what they've done has really hurt us.
I recently read a story about a woman who had suffered in a bad relationship. She had thought that she had married the wrong man. He had no interest in the Church and had treated her very unkindly for several years. When she prayed to ask the Lord if He would approve of a divorce, she had a unique experience. Instead of being told that she ought to follow through with a divorce, she was counseled by the Spirit to recognize her own imperfections, instead of focusing solely on her husbands'. After that experience, she strove to become more compassionate, loving, and understanding. As she changed, so did her husband, and within a few years, their problems had been resolved, and they were able to be sealed in the temple.
In this story, instead of focusing on her husband's problems, she turned to fix her own. By doing so, she was not only able to reconnect with her husband and save her marriage, she was also able to grow spiritually and help him do the same.

Having charity means that we must be able to forgive. Without forgiveness, charity could not exist. The worst thing we can do for ourselves and our relationships with others is not forgiving them. The Savior told us in Matthew 5:7 that faultfinding in others does not work. This is not to say that this is the easiest thing in the world to do. In fact, quite the contrary. It can be really hard sometimes to say "I am truly sorry." Especially when the offense has hit so close to home and cuts deep.

No one is perfect, but we all ought to strive towards perfection. We can all do this through charity, forgiveness, and a genuine love and concern for others.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My day was....fantastic!

Whenever I ask a friend of mine how his day was, he always says something like "fantastic" or "awesome." At first, I always thought to myself, how can your days ALWAYS be fantastic?? You must have a bad day once in a while, or even an okay day. When I finally asked him why, he simply stated that he didn't often have bad or mediocre days. Being slightly cynical, I didn't really believe him until I thought to myself, what really makes a day bad or mediocre? Our attitude of course! So by merely changing our attitude, our day can change from good to awful, mediocre to great, or bad to whatever.

So I've decided to try to for this New Year. Last week was the first week of classes. I was overloaded with homework (mostly because of my accelerated Spanish class), I had to change my schedule a few times, and I didn't get into a few classes that I really wanted to take, but you know what, it was a fantastic week! I made several new friends, had a wonderful time in the classes I did get to take, once I even got a fantastic parking spot! On Monday, I had left my house 25 minutes before my first class in order to get a parking spot south of campus. I drove around for 15 minutes before giving and going to the North parking lots (which were on the opposite side of where my 9am class was), and walked 10 minutes to get to my class, making me late. Along the way, I not only slipped, I actually fell on the ground. And then by the end of the day, I had blisters on my feet because of my high heeled boots. However, that was a great day! I had an awesome time in my dance 180 class, I got to spend time with my (quite attractive) co-worker, finished knitting a scarf for my friend, attended FHE, and gave two of my friends Christmas gifts.

Nothing that happened that day was really amazing or really awful, but it could have been either a great day or an awful day. Had I chosen to stay upset about being late to class, getting blisters, and falling and looking silly, it would have been a pretty awful. Instead, the key is to look at all the good things that happened that day. If you really can't think of something big, start with something little. For example, randomly seeing a friend of yours, doing something right at work, heck even smiling at something or listening to music you really like.

"There are days you stumble and you fall
And sometimes through it all
You think you'll never stand again.
There are times,
when choices weigh you down
And bend you the ground
That's a place that we've all been.
But you can change,
You can turn your heart around
A brand new star, it can be found."
-"You Can Change" EFY 2009

I love this song because it emphasizes that we don't have to let our circumstances control our attitude. I can only hope that I have the wisdom that this young man has, and always let my days be fantastic.

This is what I love (copied from my FB post)

I wish there was something that I was super passionate about. Because that is what I LOVE. I love when people are passionate about something, and they are willing to share their passion with me. Even when it's something that I am not particularly interested in, if someone else loves it, I want to hear about it. It makes me so excited for them and what they are capable of accomplishing with their passions. I wish I could express in words just how excited I am feeling right now just thinking about friends that I have that are passionate about something. Everything from dancing to photography, music to science, and even accounting!

I also love that I have so many wonderful friends. I don't know what I would do in my life without them. Whether they realize it or not, each of them is incredibly important to me in some way or another. If I'm having a bad day, there is always someone that I can turn to, and often they don't even know that they are cheering me up. I don't think I've ever felt more accepted and welcome in my life. My friends pretty much define who I am. Without them, I would be lost. So, thanks you guys for being a part of my life.

Call me cheesy or lame or whatever you will, but I LOVE anything that makes me happy. Most especially kids movies and EFY music. I don't care if those aren't the most popular things ever, I absolutely LOVE them. I love just singing my lungs out and dancing while listening to crazy music in my car. I love messing around with my friends. I love running my frustrations out. I love just being happy. It's just an incredible feeling. I love being Mormon, and I love being in Utah and meeting so many other Mormons.

I find it so incredible that I live such a blessed life. Sometimes, I can't even imagine how much different my life would be if I were someone else. And you know what? I wouldn't trade a thing to be someone else. I like who I am. Not to say that I'm perfect or even close by any stretch of the imagination, but I know my trials are made for me, and heck yeah they're hard sometimes, but I know I can always make it through. I love being a member of this Church. I love the Prophet and the Apostles.

I love my family. I love that feeling of being where you belong. I love home. Where ever it may be. And sometimes, it can be found in the most unusual places. There are so many places where I have felt at home, and I know I have my family and my friends to thank for that. I am so excited for when I finally get to have my own family. I'm so excited to watch my children grow up and learn things for themselves. I can't wait to be in love with someone for all eternity. I'm so excited to make new memories with a new family.

Finally, I love helping other people feel happy and welcome. For those of you who haven't know me very long, you probably don't know that I get INCREDIBLY nervous meeting new people. Heck, sometimes I get nervous with people I've already met. However, I know that I'm much happier when others are welcoming and kind to me, so I strive to do the same. Even when I'm the new person.

One final thing I just want to mention. In this time, people have become very hesitant to speak strongly about their feelings or passions or whatever because they are afraid to step on someones toes, hurt someones feelings, or don't want to be made fun of for their passion. That's kind of how I am. So this is me, sharing some of my feelings, beliefs, and passions, if you will. For those of you who have made it this far, thanks for reading. I don't know interesting this was, but now you have a little more insight into my mind :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Worth vs. Worthiness

This semester I am taking SFL 100, which is "Strengthening Home and Family" and the main focus in the class is "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." Can I just say that I absolutely love this class? I love the teacher, I love the Spirit, and I love the readings. One thing we read for last class was our worth verses our worthiness. As beloved children of our Heavenly Father, we each have a divine nature. It has taken a long time to figure out what this actually meant to me, but I think I have an idea. In the Young Women Program, we would repeat a declaration stating that "we are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us." Our divine nature is that we are loved completely by our Father in Heaven, and being children of God, we have an inherent godliness within us. Along with having this divine nature, we also have an absolute worth. This means that no matter what we do, no matter how badly we screw up, whatever we do, we are still worth 100% to the Lord. He still loves us completely. There is absolutely nothing we can do to change our worth in the Lord's eyes.

Sadly, our worthiness and our self-esteem and the way others view us can change. Just because our worth doesn't change doesn't mean our worthiness doesn't. When we disobey, we lose the worthiness we would have otherwise had to receive blessings and participate in sacred activities, such as attend the temple. When our worthiness changes for the worse, often our self-esteem plummets with it as well. Many people tend to think that because they were disobedient, they aren't worth much. Or, if others think that we are worthless, we soon adopt this attitude ourselves. I know that I have most certainly felt worthless because of mistakes I've made, people that have put me down, and even from negative criticism of myself.

Until I read this, I didn't really understand the difference. I didn't realize that no matter what I do my worth can never change. For that knowledge, I am completely indebted to my teacher, this class, and the Lord. I wish there was some way that I could share this revelation with everyone in the world and help them to understand how amazing it is! I wish I could shout it from this hilltops because it truly is such a blessing to know. Just because I've messed up, doesn't mean that I am failure at life. Just because I've hurt people doesn't mean that I can never be loved again. I know that if I put my faith and trust in the Lord that I be worthy of the blessings that the Lord has to offer me.