Frustration at it's worst

Really, really, REALLY want to go cry now. I hate this stupid paper.

And I hate that all of a sudden I'm spelling words wrong.
Including my own name.

Falling, falling, falling

Falling
in and out of love
and back in again

Like dreams
that float across our
wearied eyes

We watch them come
and go

And when we wake
they're gone

Only the memory remains

That's what falling out of love is
...kind of at least

Only closed doors can keep us
from moving forward
Except if our legs
are broken

Just like our hearts
are broken

The yellow daisy
refuses to bloom
because she's afraid
of being trampled upon

That's what love is like
when you try to fall back into it

Don't Care, Don't Care, Don't Care.....

Right now, I'd like to just vent. Here are my frustrations:

I just spent several hours yesterday writing a paper for a class. Fortunately, it was only a rough draft, but after having the teacher review it, he pretty much said that I had done it all wrong. So now I have to re-write the paper pretty much, change the way I wrote it, and have it all done by Wednesday.

That wouldn't be a problem except...

-I have another five page paper due on Thursday. At least I've started it, but who knows, maybe I've done that wrong too.

-I have to take a test before Friday

-I have a short paper to do that shouldn't take long to write, but I still have to do kind of a lot of research for it.

-I still have to do homework reading assignments for my classes

I hate hate hate hate school right now. This is so frustrating. I have no idea what I'm going to do, which makes me not want to do anything, which is just going to make everything worse.

I think I'm going to go cry right now.

Boyfriend = Best Friend?

K, so there's this thing about me.

I'm am really good at making new friends.

Especially with boys.

I'm not quite sure why I'm 1000 times more comfortable around boys than I am around girls, but the fact of the matter is, I just am. But my relationship with boys generally doesn't extend past that initial friendship. Sometimes I might become better friends with some guys than others, but a lot of times, even those friendships tend to fade away.

But that's beside the point.

Yeah, I am good at making friends....

BUT I'm super horrible at making best friends. Even with my boyfriend.

It's kind of frustrating. Here's why:
-I want to be best friends with him!

But here's why I'm probably not:
-Being best friends with someone requires your consistent attention (not necessarily constant though)
-You have to let them in
-Even scarier, you have to let them let you in.

This means that you actually have to tell them things. About yourself! About your life; about your likes and dislikes; about your love; about your most embarrassing momoents, your mistakes, heck even the times when you didn't make mistakes. You should totally be allowed to brag about yourself to your best friend. But that also means knowing them well enough to be comfortable doing that.

And it's hard to know what to do in a relationship where you don't feel that 'best friend' connection because I do think it's important. It's completely fair to want to marry someone that you can put your absolute trust in. Who wants to marry someone that makes fun of them or who makes them feel less than they really are?

Right?


Sometimes I wish life weren't so hard.

DON'T STOP, BAH-LIEVIN'

Just felt like that needed to be sung at the top of my lungs, but since I don't really feel like singing at the top of my lungs, I figured I'd just yell it here ;)


Referrin' to the title of the post for those of you that aren't pickin' up what I'm layin' down :D

The Scariest Thing I've Ever Done

I would say that I've done my share of pretty frightening things in my life.

This includes
-learning how to paraglide (every time the instructor said, "are you ready?" I'd affirm that I was, but in my mind I'd say, "No way!")
-climbing on a mountain where the last quarter mile was basically cliff
-river rafting
-cliff jumping.
Heck, these are all the things I've done in the past month.

I've walked on fresh, hot coals (seriously)
-bent rebar with my neck
-literally been attacked by some guy I didn't know
-fought in District, Regionals, and Nationals in Karate...twice.

I've walked on high ropes
-jumped over waterfalls
-rappelled down cliffs
-allowed some stranger to adjust my neck in the JFK Airport in NYC.
-gotten hit by a car whilst riding my bike

I have put my trust in complete strangers
-gone over 115 mph (shh, just don't tell the cops)
-gotten in a car accident (or two....)
-driven across the United States...by myself
-performed in two solo recitals
-just done some just pretty stupid/scary things

I left for college by myself
-with no friends to come with me
-moved again, and again, and again...

I've had to re-invent myself since high school (in a sense at least)
I've had to find new friends
I've had to cope with losing friends and loves
I've dealt with my family falling apart
I've fallen in love and back out again

But the scariest thing I've done is probably what I'm currently going through right now. I really didn't intend for this to happen. At all. You would have thought that I might have learned from lesson from past experience, but I obviously haven't. The scariest thing I've even done is fallen in 'love' with someone that doesn't quite love me back. I say 'love' because maybe I'm not in love, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. Let me tell you: it is so so so scary. Maybe I should just be patient...right? I considered making this a private post, but no one reads my blog anyway, so I'm not too worried. And I haven't told him either. We'll just wait and see.

*Insert Clever Post Title Here*

yeah, I'm not creative.

So quick update on my life:

-I'm still going to school. I'm trying to figure out my schedule right now, even though classes started yesterday. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to go FallWinterSpringSummer because I'm definitely getting sick of school. Oh well, I'll get done faster right? ...Right?? I better.

-I'm dating a wonderful guy named Jordan Holmes. We've been dating for almost two months. I love love love his family and his friends are super awesome as well. Compared to him, I feel like I don't know anybody though. I'm always introduced instead of me introducing him. It's okay though.

-I went white water rafting on my 3-day break from school. Gosh, what the heck? Three days is not a break, especially when it includes a Sunday.....rafting was super fun though. At least I got to do something, right? And I got to hang out with my lovely bf and meet even more of his friends.


I'm not sure why I started this blog exactly, but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on certain things. In fact, I bookmarked this blog and put it on the bar below the URL and took Facebook off. But I still go to Facebook more often than I come here. I've just mastered typing Facebook really fast....Anyway, I don't really know what to write right now. I'm just ranting. Maybe I'll think of something creative later and post. Maybe I'll post on here what Jordan and I are doing to celebrate his birthday and then tease him because he didn't read my blog. ;) (He doesn't know yet). Well, I'll at least give all you millions of readers a hint. It involves a few of the things he enjoys, including 1) learning new things, 2) spending time with me ;), andddd last but not least 3) Flying...well in a sense at least. Maybe it's not as excited as flying a ... whatever kind of jet it is that he is obsessed with, but it'll be a fun experience I'm sure.

Well, I think I've bored you all enough. Like I said, maybe I'll post something later. For now, I should get reading on my Illiad homework reading assingment